My Heart's In Halifax

You’re not sad, you’re not happy, you’re not angry, you’re not bored. Only longing.

It’s been a slow, lazy Friday during the May long weekend.

I’m just laying here in my room. I don’t feel like doing anything. There is really only one person I want to see, feel, or talk to right now. Not over Skype. Not through text. I just want to feel him near me.

Danny. He’s always warm. His arms just fit perfectly around me. I can snuggle into his side and be comfortable. I never want to move. Never want him to leave.

That’s what I want right now. Comfort and warmth from the boy I love. The boy I miss more than anything. He’s all I want right now, not anyone, or anything else.

Because in the last little while, I haven’t been completely happy at all and I cant even explain when this random wave of depression decided to drown me. Where the Hell did my happiness go? It’s just been completely drained from me. I want it back!

.. clutching and cuddling that one brown pillow, because he has the matching one with him and sleeps on it every night.. is it so much to ask that we could just share one? Together? Then I would have something real and warm to cuddle..! Pillows are useless. They don’t even hug back.

That moment when you’ve been trying for hours to sleep, and as you do, you randomly go off on deep trains of thought that you dont ever think about during the day because they’re topics you try to stay away from if you can help it. :S

It’s not only that barbershop is singing that makes me so happy on Wednesday  nights. The music and singing make me happy, and Danny knows all these songs (or most) and knows everyone who goes to barbershop (again, most.), but it’s not just the music or the connection to Danny that make barbershop so enjoyable for me. It’s the people. They’re all just generally fun to be around. I feel so close to all of them. When I first met all of them, and until Danny left for Halifax, all the barbershop guys were, well, the barbershop guys! That’s all they were! Danny’s friends, and the people who sang at barbershop.

Now, all those people I see weekly (or apparently multiple times a week nowadays) are people I feel really close to! I honestly feel that I belong there now! I love them all, and they’re all awesome people. :)

I was talking to two of them today in a friend’s kitchen since everyone was hanging out in the basement (we had a random meetup today to watch movies and ended up watching one of the guys play Star Wars on the PS3, which was awesome), and we ended up talking about when I first met them, and how we described our group to other people.

“There’s no way you can even explain any of us in this group. Like, I try to explain Addison and all I can say is, “Well… he’s Addison” because there’s just no way to describe any of us!” said Avery. He’s right! All these guys are indescribable!

Addison went on to say this as he pointed at himself, “Well, I’m the gay one.” Then gestured to me and said, “She’s the Beatles fan.”

At this point Avery cut him off saying something along the lines of, “That doesn’t even begin to describe you guys, though. It’s not possible!”

All three of us laughed and just agreed that it was true. 

So I love them all! Sitting in that friend’s basement with the 7 or 8 of them was a great night! Laughing at the game and at each other, talking, and just basically doing nothing in particular made the whole night great. These guys seem almost closer to me at this point than my school friends that it’s kind of sad! Though I know my school friends better, and see them more, and they even know ME better, I can’t say I have as much fun with them. Or if I do, it’s different somehow. Not just ‘cause they’re different people and like different things, but it’s a whole different level with them, in a way.

I wish I could explain this better, but it’s more of a thing you can’t describe! Just like my barbershop friends :)

There’s a reason for that! I’m not good, I won’t really be GOOD while he’s gone.. but I’m usually not TERRIBLE either. 

Only two people have ever questioned “Oh? Only ‘not bad’? Why not ‘good’? In the last six months. One of them was joking, and actually has no idea, and it was weeks ago, if not months, and it was someone I barely know. But finally, just about 5 minutes ago someone finally asked “why aren’t you good? :S” and I actually just answered “lol, I donno!” as if I hadn’t meant it like that. I don’t know this girl too well either, but she at least KNOWS! I couldn’t bring myself to answer “Well, because, y’know, been thinking about Danny a lot, and it’s, I donno, I’m just not super happy atm.” Cause, yknow, who would even say that?! Plus, it’s 1 AM, and I’m pretty sure she just had no one else to talk to at this time, so why pour my problems on her?

Point of this post? Was there supposed to be a point? Nah, this is just random thoughts and rants. You guys know that by now.

Even though today and yesterday I didnt feel like smiling at anyone, or even LOOKING at anyone, I do my best to look happy.

This is mostly because I’ve heard stories if people who were depressed, and just seeing ONE person smiling at them, they felt better!

So even though I feel crappy today, and a little anti-social, smiling at others makes them smile back, which makes me feel a tiny bit better. Smiles are contagious, right?

But ‘later’ is so far away .. :(

..far away from me, once again, and I can’t do anything about it.

He left at 7:00 last night, but I saw him last at 2:30 in the afternoon. He got back ‘home’ at about 4:30 in the morning my time, and 7:30 his time. 

Knowing he’s in a different time zone again sucks.. knowing it’s another three months I have to go without him is killing me right now.

And now I have to get ready to go back to work. My usual schedule is trying to fall back into place, but I don’t want to let that happen… it hurts to much to let go again. I feel like I just need to keep a grasp on this past week, and it’ll feel like he’s still here. I know that it’s not actually like that, and it doesn’t work, but I have to try, apparently. I can’t just let everything fall away again. Going back into my ‘usual’ life feels so wrong! My ‘usual’ life should include him, shouldn’t it?! 

Then I realize; he IS a part of my ‘usual’ life, but not in the way I want him to be. He’s part of it, but in the form of pixelated video and bad quality sound. Guess I have to accept that.. but I really would rather not.

This sucks.